Hi!
My name is Kara, and I suffer from anxiety and depression.
I have suffered from depression most of my life, anxiety on the other hand is a new thing for me! Everyone has had some sort of anxiety, that's just life! BUT an Anxiety attack is somethin' else! If you are unsure if you have had one or not, then you haven't had one. You wouldn't forget having one, it's pretty intense...My first one was whilst i was living in Texas about 3-4 years ago...i woke up at about 1am not being able to feel my gums...at the time that seemed like a big deal, but now that i think about it i don't think you are ever that conscious about feeling your gums? My head felt like it was going to explode, i felt like i was going to throw up or pass out. I couldn't stop shaking or speak properly. Nothing made sense, everything was a blur. Jesse, my sweet fella and I decided to go to the emergency room at the hospital a few blocks away from where we were living. I started to calm down, and thought whatever was happening to me had passed...silly rabbit...after a few minutes of relief, my chest suddenly got tight, i couldn't breath, my heart was racing. Got to the hospital and had to write down my details, which was quite the task when you can't stop jittering all over the place. The nurse took me straight into the emergency room, took a blood sample, and tried to calm me down. I kept asking what was happening to me, but the doctor was an arse and wouldn't tell me...After a while the nurse came back to sedate me which was was wooonderful. I started to calm down, Jesse turned on the Disney channel, we watched The Little Mermaid TV show and i finally felt relaxed for a while. We left the hospital around 5am, and that was that...my brain is a mess.
I have honestly never felt the same since i had my first attack. I feel like i have lost myself.
I never knew about anxiety until then, i had no idea the mental and physical pain it can bring to a person. The chest pains, muscle pains, headaches, sickness, stomach pains and whatever else. It's pretty shit, am i right? Its crazy to me that anxiety is so common! How are people functioning day to day?!
The truth is i am struggling. After a losing my dog...who was my world...i haven't been able to climb out of this dark hole that i have fallen into. I feel incredible lonely and worthless 90% of the time. The other 10% is hunger. So that's a good sign, (i know i am a lost cause if i stop eating.)
I feel like crying every night and day isn't the norm...but i could be wrong? Some people are just very emotional.
I am crying out for help, but only i can help myself.
That is the point of my blog. I'm not doing it for sympathy or woe's me. I am doing it so you know you aren't alone and you aren't the only one going through it and not the only one finding it hard to function with everything going on in day to day life. I am helping myself by helping you. I want to find the positives in life that we all have, but find it difficult to see. I want to feel normal again, not anxious or sad anymore. I want to look forward to things and want to see my friends because right now all i want to do is stay in bed with my curtains closed and nobody bothering me. I want to sleep at night, all night...not a few hours here and there...because that is SUCH a ballache!
I understand that i will probably be on happy pills for the rest of my life...My Mum tells me it runs through our genes. Not a petite figure...depression and anxiety. Good.
So, if appreciating the small things in life is a tiny bit of light in our dark times then we should take them and hold on to them tightly. That is what i want to do here.
I want to let the positive in, and push the negative away for good.
Anything that makes my day brighter i will post it, look forward to lots of lists...i bloody love lists, baked goodies, pictures, anything...i will be blogging about it. So that's that.
Today, i start a fresh with everything and this blog is going to help :)
Love Kara
<3
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